Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
