Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
