If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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