I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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