tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
