I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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