I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
