My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize