bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
