Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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