States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
