so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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