I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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