I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
