I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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