made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
