Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
