But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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