Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
