DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
