with your own penis?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My life is pants optional.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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