Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
