I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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