two words...techno handjob
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just high enough for therapy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
