My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
