pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
