It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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