Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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