You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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