im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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