Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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