You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
