my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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