my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
