I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
