i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
