And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
