You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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