yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
