Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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