its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fuck me I smell like cheese
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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