Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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