Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
