Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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