I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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