Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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