the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
