I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
