i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
