I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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