so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
