Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
