Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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