Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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