Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
