Umm I'm too high to move.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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