Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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