I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When are your genitals available?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
