My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
